The phrase “That’s just the way I am” can be powerful or limiting depending on how you use it. When tied to positive behaviors—like kindness, persistence, or discipline—it can reinforce habits that move you closer to the person you want to be. But when used to excuse limitations, it can shut down curiosity, growth, and change. The key is recognizing that many things we think are part of our identity are actually habits we’ve practiced over time. By intentionally changing the way you talk about yourself, you can begin to reshape your identity and create the habits—and life—you want.
When my wife Katrina was pregnant, every parent warned me, “Don’t blink—it goes by fast!” and I, of course, rolled my eyes. Eight months into life with River, I’m happily eating my words as she transforms from a sleepy bean into a wild, curious little explorer. Watching her learn to crawl has reminded me that growth always starts with safety—but real progress happens when we’re willing to get uncomfortable. Each tumble and tear has become a lesson in perseverance, courage, and the magic of trying again. River may have learned to crawl, but I’ve learned something even better: how to coach growth through process, not product.
There is no courage without fear. A common misconception is that courage is the absence of fear, when the truth is that courage is one of many ways that we may respond to fear. To ignore or reject fear is to reject a fundamental part of what makes us human. Fear is not a weakness, it is an awareness. It is not fear that kills our dreams or growth or soul. On the contrary, fear is proof we have a soul at all. It shows we care. It signals that something matters. And that is sacred.
The transition to parenthood has been smoother than expected, but sleepless nights with a crying baby present inevitable challenges. When my newborn, River, refuses to settle despite feeding, changing, and comforting, I’ve learned that resisting the situation—clinging to sleep and disengaging—only amplifies my exhaustion and stress. Instead, embracing acceptance as an active choice allows me to respond with clarity, patience, and effectiveness, leading to quicker resolutions and a more peaceful night. Much like navigating a river, parenting becomes easier when I move with the flow rather than fight against it. This powerful mindset shift extends beyond newborn care—embracing fears that come up with challenges in life, rather than resisting them, fosters resilience, growth, and a greater sense of control.
Fear is an uncomfortable but necessary emotion that prompts us to adapt and grow. While sharing burdens often makes them lighter, fear doesn’t work the same way—spreading it can amplify its weight rather than alleviate it. When we voice our fears to others, especially in response to their challenges, we risk burdening them instead of helping. Instead of reacting with fear, leading with curiosity can provide clarity and empowerment. By asking thoughtful questions, we encourage reflection and preparation, either reassuring us of their readiness or prompting necessary reassessment. Handling fear wisely helps us navigate challenges with confidence rather than spreading unnecessary worry.
The Formidable Four—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—represent our instinctive primal reactions to fear and perceived danger. While these responses can be lifesaving in dire situations, their effectiveness depends on the context. For example, freezing when one should fight or fawning when one should flee can be detrimental. It’s not fear itself but our reaction to it that influences outcomes. I’ve traditionally leaned towards flight or fawn, which served me well until I faced a situation in Joshua Tree National Park where these reactions were inadequate. During a perilous climb, my inclination to flee was overridden by my climbing partner’s calm, encouraging me to fight instead. This shift in approach, honed through practice in safer moments, saved my life and highlighted the importance of intentionally developing our reactions to fear. Understanding and mastering our instinctive responses can transform challenges into opportunities for growth and survival.
In my workshops, I often begin by asking participants what inspired them to join. Many share a common desire to overcome specific fears, whether it's fear of failure, heights, or the unknown. It's natural to want to conquer fear, as it's an uncomfortable emotion that can overwhelm us. I, too, once approached fear with a mindset of conquering it, particularly in challenging climbs. However, I discovered that resisting fear only intensified its grip. Over time, I learned to acknowledge fear's presence calmly and redirect my focus to my performance. Embracing fear as part of the human experience allowed me to build a positive relationship with it, redirecting energy toward achieving success rather than fighting it. By shifting our mindset from avoidance to curiosity, we can transform fear into courage and embrace its lessons in our personal journeys.
Dr. Brianna Rita Pagán, a local SoCal ultra runner, NASA engineer, and professor, caught my attention on Instagram after I completed the Backbone trail last December. Her adventures align closely with my newfound passion for running, particularly her impressive single-push run of the entire trail. Recently, she shared a remarkable story of rescuing three different birds that had unexpectedly flown indoors, prompting her followers, including myself, to ponder its spiritual implications. This incident resonated deeply with me, inspiring reflections on unity and supporting each other's unique potentials. It reminded me of the importance of fostering curiosity and encouragement, traits exemplified by true friends who help us transcend perceived limits. Dr. Pagán's actions and thoughtful questions continue to inspire a community dedicated to exploring life's deeper meanings and supporting one another's aspirations.
Fear is a barking dog at the door, alerting us to potential threats that may not be immediately visible. It serves as a signal to pay attention, urging us to investigate and assess the situation with curiosity and care. When I hear my own "barking dog" of fear, I approach it with curiosity, exploring what might be causing the alarm—whether it's a genuine obstacle or simply a false alarm. By acknowledging and addressing these fears thoughtfully, I build trust with my inner voice of reason, ensuring that I respond appropriately to real concerns while reassuring myself when fears are unfounded. This relationship of trust and responsiveness allows me to navigate challenges effectively, understanding that fear's role is to keep me aware and attentive. How we engage with our own "barking dog" of fear shapes our ability to manage it constructively and navigate life's uncertainties with resilience.
Navigating the currents of change can be both exhilarating and daunting, marking a dance between our present and future. The uncertainty can feel unsettling, urging resistance even when discontent whispers change is needed. I've experienced these shifts firsthand—from relocating as a child, to sudden school changes, and cross-country moves. Each brought lessons in embracing change versus stability. Finding balance is key; those who embrace change discover growth, yet risk overlooking the rewards of commitment. Conversely, those rooted in stability may miss opportunities for personal evolution. I relate to the adage "jack of all trades, master of none," finding comfort in curiosity over singular mastery. Embracing change requires openness and reflection, challenging us to question before acting, fostering growth amid uncertainty.
