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It Isn’t Fear That Holds Us Back, But Rather How We Respond
September 10, 2024
It Isn’t Fear That Holds Us Back, But Rather How We Respond
By Dexter Eroen
Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn; the Formidable Four; our instinctive primal reactions to fear and/or perceived danger.
Given the proper context, the Formidable Four, respectively, have the potential to save our ass in a dire situation. But there is a flip side to that coin. What if we freeze when we need to fight? What if we fawn when we need to take flight? If these are instinctive automatic reactions, how do we make sure we react in the most productive, most helpful way?
It isn’t fear that holds us back, but rather how we respond to it.
I am not a fighter. I never have been. I am, in general, the kind of person that prefers a gentler approach.
Some people may find this hard to believe, due to the physical challenges I regularly take on (ie., rock climbing, mountaineering, ultra running, etc…).
Fair enough.
But in my defense, my goal, most of the time, is to do hard things with ease. Furthermore, without digressing too much, these relatively epic physical challenges are largely fueled by my curiosity to learn more about myself, and less so by some insatiable thirst for a battle. A conversation for another day.
The point is, at my core, I prefer a gentle approach. I cherish the calm and quiet and soft warm cuddly moments of life. I was not put on this earth to fight. Fighting is something I have had to learn.
Of the Formidable Four, my inclination has historically been flight or fawn. Fleeing and Fawning have proven successful tools, helping me dodge danger many times over. Because of their success, I have kept them close by, and, for most of my life, I haven't thought twice before pulling them out whenever fear sounded the alarm. No problem here, right? Right?
Truth is, I couldn’t be sure, because I hadn’t tried the alternatives…yet.
Don’t fix it if it ain’t broken, but don’t forget to check if it’s broken.
Eventually I found myself in a situation where flight and fawn couldn't help me; where if I fled, I guaranteed serious injury or even death; where there was nothing to fawn for, no mind to change or pacify, only the merciless emotionless face of nature looking back at me as fear reared its frantic head.
The fears we avoid will find us, whether we prepare for them or not. So, we best prepare.
‘The Situation’ happened while I was climbing in Joshua Tree National Park, on a specific climb I had previously, successfully, fallen off of (meaning, I fell and my gear, rope, and belayer caught me and stopped me from hitting the ground).
I was back to try again, confidence bolstered by the successful support I received the time before.
That was my focus as I climbed; not how I was going to successfully climb this time, but that I would be okay if I didn't. I was not preparing for a fight, I was leaving room for flight.
Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.
A frantic foot movement kicked loose an essential piece of protection, and I suddenly found myself with nothing to stop me from hitting the rock hard, uneven, unmerciful ground 40 feet below.
Well, nothing other than my own ability to stay on the climb; the climb I had never finished; the climb that I had previously fallen on; the climb that I was climbing because I thought it would be okay to fall again. Only now it was not okay to fall again.
Falling would result in a life altering injury or death.
Spoiler alert: I didn't fall.
I finished the climb. In part because my climbing partner is a fighter, and a profound support system to boot. His calm voice broke through my desperate thoughts fixated on finding a way to flee the precarious position I’d put myself in.
He simply said, "Dex, you don't fall now."
In other words, "Don’t flee. Fight."
So I fought, and I finished the climb. In part because I had been practicing. Along with my recent curiosity and pursuit of a positive relationship with fear, I had been practicing pushing through challenges (fight) rather than calling quits (flight).
In moments of quiet and calm, my search inward shined a light on my previous patterns reacting to fear. I’d actively begun exploring new patterns and the results they offered; what happens if I stand my ground and fight when fear comes up, rather than automatically resorting to flight?
The actions we practice in moments of calm, become the actions we perform in moments of panic.
This practice saved my life, and opened my eyes to a world of possibilities. We can engage with our instincts. We can take charge of how we react in moments of fear. Perhaps most important, that change happens intentionally in moments of safety, not accidentally in moments of fear.
How are you inclined to react in moments of fear? How has that inclination helped you in your life? How has it held you back? How might your life benefit from exploring alternative reactions and exploring your relationship with fear?
If you are curious about building a positive relationship with fear, I am here to help!
Click here to set up a quick one on one consultation with me, Dex. Together we can discover if the GoBeyond process is the right fit for you.
And as always, sharing is caring! If you feel this work may resonate with someone you know, please pass it along.
Wishing you the best on all your adventures.
With gratitude,
Dex