Holding On vs. Letting Go
I often start my workshops by asking the participants, “Why are you here?” or “What inspired you to sign up for this workshop?” I have gotten a wide range of answers, but one that comes up often goes a little something like, “I want to get rid of my fear of _____”, or “I want to conquer my fear of _____.”
It may seem like an obvious goal, as fear is an inherently uncomfortable emotion, and it’s not fun to experience fear. It can be, and often is, an overwhelming experience, and it is only natural to try and minimize that discomfort by pushing away, trying to gain control of, or trying to conquer the feeling.
I am not an exception here. I use to approach my own fears with this mind set. More specifically, I use to climb with this mindset. When I would get on to difficult climbs, challenging my physical and mental abilities, I would go in with the intent to conquer. When fears came up I would try and power through the emotion, trying to push it away or telling myself, "don't think about falling, don't think about falling, don't think about falling!" As I threw all my focus and energy at 'not thinking about falling', I would lose focus on climbing and inevitably fall. What the fuck!
The problem is, pushing away fear is as much a form of attachment as holding onto fear.
When we push away fear, we continue to focus our energy toward fear, fighting and denying and shaming and avoiding and perpetuating the discomfort and suffering because the simple truth is, fear never really goes away.
Overtime I adjusted my approach. When fear of falling entered the chat, I would calmly acknowledge its presence and turn my focus toward my performance. I would hone in on proper technique and careful breathing and aim all of my energy toward successfully finishing the climb, all the while bringing fear along for the ride.
The path to a positive relationship with fear is paved by acceptance; the realization that it’s okay to experience fear. It is human. We are human, and when we accept fear as a part of the human condition, we put an end to the fight.
Rather than focusing our energy toward pushing fear away, what would happen if we focused our energy on connecting with curiosity? What if, instead of telling ourselves, “I shouldn’t be afraid right now”, or “I don’t want to be afraid anymore”, we asked, “Why is fear showing up right now?”, “What is fear trying to tell me?”, “How can I be courageous in this moment?”
Once I accepted that fear was a part of the process, and often showed up when I was doing something important, I started to build a positive relationship with that fear, stopped wasting energy fighting it, and, in turn, was able to put that energy toward achieving success.
Are you feeling fear? How human of you. Me too. And together, we can make it through.