Resisting the River’s Flow
I have now been a father for two weeks and some change, and lessons from River have been flowing in like…a river.
All things considered, the transition from life before parenthood to life of parenthood has been a smooth one. I attribute this perspective to three points:
- My powerful creator-of-life wife, Katrina, is healthy and recovering from childbirth with beauty and grace.
- River is healthy and adapting to the outside world relatively well.
- I fully expected the transition to parenthood would be an absolute chaotic shit show, so anything better than that feels like a huge win!
This is where I pause to recognize that while this transition has not met the very low bar I had mentally prepared for, it has also not been a walk in the park. While there have been nights where Lil Riv easily flows through a routine of sleep, diaper change, feed, repeat, there have also been almost enough outliers to not be outliers where River has flipped the script, keeping Katrina and I up all night desperately trying to figure out why the crying won’t stop even when Riv has been fed, changed and held in our arms.
Life has led me to expect and accept the richest lessons live in the most challenging moments. So what has River confirmed for me? Resistance lies at the root of suffering. Lemme explain.
There are two ways I can respond when River cries out, calling me to her side and pulling me away from the warm embrace of precious sleep:
- With resistance.
or
- With acceptance.
Showing up with resistance reminds me of the way you stumble to the bathroom at 2am to go pee, eyes barely open, lights left off, with slow lazy movement, as though these efforts, or lack-there-of, will keep the departure from slumber at bay enabling you to slip back into a delightful dream state moments after the toilet flushes and your head hits the pillow.
With such low stakes, this approach might work for a midnight pee, but let me tell you, it does not work for a midnight crying baby.
Resistance is synonymous with avoidance and avoidance means we are disengaged and when we are disengaged, we are devoid of curiosity and when we are devoid of curiosity, we miss out on discovery and when we miss out on discovery, there is no resolution.
So when I wake up with resistance, trying to halfway connect with my upset baby and remain halfway connected to my sleep, I end up experiencing twice the suffering than if I had just dropped my resistance and fully engaged with my baby in the first place.
On the contrary, when I show up with acceptance, there is immediate relief. I hear my baby crying, I accept that sleep is behind me and I face the trouble head on.
The sooner I let go of the comfort of sleep, the sooner I fully engage with River and the sooner I engage with River, the more curious I become and the more curious I become, the more answers I find and the more answers I find, resolution becomes clear and when resolution becomes clear, we all go back to sleep.
Both scenarios may land me in the rocking chair, holding River close as I rhythmically whisper, “Sssshhhhh ssshhhh ssshhhh” in her ear, but the former takes me longer to get there as I create an uphill battle laden with a weight vest of resistance slowing me down.
It is important to note that acceptance does not translate to quitting or complacence.
Acceptance is an action. Anyone who has traveled by boat down a river knows in order to steer the craft, one must be moving with and faster than the flow of water. Paddling backward (resisting) causes a stand still, and not paddling at all leaves you at the mercy of the river and the obstacles ahead.
Acceptance does not mean giving up. Acceptance means fully engaging with the direction you need to go.
And while this may not be the path you anticipated or wanted to travel, the sooner you commit to the new path, the sooner you will reach the outcome you desire.
I believe the same applies when it comes to building a positive relationship with fear. The more we resist fear the deeper entrenched in fear we become; the more fear dictates our next move. When we accept and even embrace fear, we are sooner able to take the wheel and steer (cue “Drive” by Incubus).
When in doubt, embrace the River’s flow in order to get where you want to go.
With love and gratitude,
New Dad Dex